[Chapter Fourteen]
Regularly updates are not my thing, so I’m sorry that everything has been so spaced out.
Smiley is… well, let’s just say that i don’t think of him like that anymore… I guess not seeing him all the time kind of takes the fun out of it. But the thing i’m getting to hate is that I’m starting to get those feelings for Etnie again. I hate myself for it, because he’s caused so much pain and stress in my life, and I don’t want to be unhappy, but I can actually picture myself with him. Like, can you actually see yourself going to see a movie, and then getting ice cream/food and actually having a conversation with the person you like? Half the time you can’t, and sadly enough, I can with Etnie. It’s just so weird. For the whole Seven years that i’ve known him, we’ve never “gone-out” once, and we’ve never actually liked each other at the same time. So what I’m thinking is, either that “going-out” with him is going to be a big deal, and is supposed to actually mean something, or it’s just never going to happen.
But the other thing is, that I may be looking for too much. Like, there’s no one who’s perfect in this world, and fighting with someone is natural, but i can’t get past how easily i’m annoyed at him, and can’t help but wonder if i’m being too picky… you know?
Anyway, /psycho-doesn’t-make-sense rant.
[Chapter Thirteen]
I find it easier just to ignore Etnies unusual ‘every-six-weeks’ liking routine. It’s so much more simple. But it bugs me though, because he’s so goddamn fucking clueless. This time, though, I don’t like him back, so he’s not leaving me heartbroken because he thinks we should just be friends (even though he brought it up to begin with), luckily.
Today, Cheddar, Grant and Darien had a threesome in the orch practice room, baha, they went in there, turned off the lights and claimed they were going to a night club. Ha! THREESOME! i told them, and me and smiley locked them in!
much fun.
Cheddar got annoying again, “Have you ever fingered yourself?” etc.
I wanted to bash his fucking face in.
[Chapter Twelve]
Well, it seems that all my progress has gone straight off the edge of a cliff, spiralling down to the bottom, while along the way i can watch everything that I just had, and land into the river of depression. Hmm, sounds dramatic… not really though.
Okay, I was happy i mean, i was actually happy, until he had to screw it up, like always. It’s not like he does it on purpose, i know, but it just always makes me feel the same. First, it’s makes me pissed, and then within five minutes, i’m almost hating myself, or feeling bad for him. Does he come with a pity-off button? I’m in science, trying to convince Jackie to hurry up with her yearbook signing so i can have my yearbook back, and then I feel him put his arm around me from behind, sorta like a one-armed hug from behind. Normally, he’s not like this, so i’m all “what’s this for?” And he’s all, for seven years of being my friend. So me and woot!er are walking down the hall together, and Etnie[him] is trailing behind, and then, when we’re about to go into our room [me and woot!er], he gives me one of those shoulder-to-shoulder hugs, and woot!er is all, what was that for, and i mouth, I don’t know!
He’s foiling my plan, you know, of keeping me happy.
So that wasn’t the part where i started feeling bad. it all kinda started when he texts me, about an hour ago with ‘hey beautiful’… eventually, he’s all ‘would you ever go out with me’ and yadda yadda yadda, i talk about how i don’t like him right now, so he asks about later, and i’m like, well if i liked u and u liked me, but you’re mormon remember, you can’t date. so he’s all, well i’m still the same guy, and i’m all I know, i’m just saying. And then he says ‘you know what, i must’ve been crazy to think about it, forget it’ So i try calling him, i try telling him that i wasn’t trying to be like that, and now i’m all… *sigh* how i am every time he does this. Which is more and more frequently now.
Sometimes i just wish he would leave me alone, but then i feel bad.
[Chapter Eleven]
I’m planning on copying what Tashina did, but i asked her if it’s okay, so whatever. Besides, everyone does it. I’m going to get everyone to sign my jeans on monday, as many people as i can… hopefully even James… :]
So, short post, but i felt like it.
[Chapter Ten]
5-19-07
——
So I’m not updating regularly… Bad Shay-la, Bad!
But really, I think he might like me, but i think he believes that i’ll never like him back, because he’s twelve. Which, it is hard to believe that I do like him anyway. But anyway, my reasoning is, the fact that he always seems to look at me when my attention is in his direction, that when i delivered the yearbooks to his room (i fought for those… not really, but i guarded them so i could get them) his eyes were on me the whole time, and that, when Cheddar was all ‘smiley likes shay-la!’ Smiley followed him in the orchestra locker room[ish] and like… did something to him, not sure what, but Cheddar was all screaming rape, which meant smiley was going to hurt him, and what do 6th graders do when someone tells the whole room that they like someone that’s standing right in front of them? Deny it, and then hurt them. Cos Cheddar was really trying to get me to believe it, because he was all ‘Smiley likes Shay-la!’ in which i said, whatever cheddar, because i didn’t want to go ‘ew’ bc i actually like him, and then he’s like ‘he does, he told me!’ at which, he goes into locker room, and then after smiley goes in there, he starts screaming rape… which he always does.
When i delivered the yearbooks, i was shaking. I mean, normally, i can talk to people i like, and be… normal. But for some reason, since i was speaking to the whole class, and trying not to embarass myself in front of him, that my hands and voice started to shake. I had to read this thing, that said not to write in the books before checking them, or else you can’t return them if pages are upside down etc, and my voice was shaking, and my hands were trembling, and ugh, i felt so stupid. But everytime i looked at him, he was watching me. And it’s not like he didn’t have work to do, because i happened to notice that the review he was doing wasn’t finished, so he was watching me for a reason.
I don’t know what I’m going to do this summer… i’ll be deprived of everyone that aren’t close enough on a ‘come over to my place/go to movies’ basis. Like Smiley.
[Chapter Nine]
5-10-07
—–
My dates are all screwed up, and I’m too lazy to deal with changing previous and current ones, so now i’m going to put the date above each post. So yesterday was this big orchestra competition [which, no one really cares about that, only that we missed school and we got to go bowling/eat pizza etc... but, we ended up getting all 1's(superior rating)]. So i get to school, and we warm up a little in the orchestra room, then eventually we’re all standing outside in front of the bus, waiting to board. So at this point, I announce that whoever sits next to me, gets a chocolate Go-Tart(i brought an extra bc i knew that if i just brought one, then i’d have to give some to the person next to me, and i didn’t want them to eat some of mine, so i would just bring them an extra). Of course, Charity is all like, winking and raising her eyebrows and all “Can I sit next to you Shay-la?”. So we’re still waiting, and then–dramatic pause here–i see Smiley um, what’s the best word for it, doing something with his body that i really wouldn’t want to see(although it was amusing). Okay, that made it sound worse than it is, but he was like… moving his hips in ways he shouldn’t. There, that sounds betterish. Okay, so yeah I’m all ‘Smiley, PLEASE don’t do that” as i cover my eyes, which he says, “See, I’m so sexy you can’t even look at this sexy beast” baha, i almost died laughing, he’s so cute!
So we got on the bus, and i end up sitting next to Charity, with James across the lil isle thingy. I let her eat my go-tart and then, she gets taken off the bus. When this happened, i was really sad/disappointed, and i had no idea why, but it was kinda a good thing, and i know now what she did (but i can’t tell).
So i’m like *pats bus seat* “now you can sit next to me” i said to smiley. So we talk the whole way there. And we had those random conversations, like where we’ll end up saying ‘wait, why are we saying this again?’ One of which, began with him asking me if i wanted a dorito, and then me saying that i didn’t like doritos, so it turned into what foods we liked, and then Smiley’s all ‘why are we talking about this?’
Anyway, so I kinda wanted to purposely tell him about the whole ‘Gir-wants-me-to-go-to-the-movies-with-her-so-she-can-go-with-venom-but-i-don’t-want-to-be-a-third-wheel-so-gir-says-to-bring-smiley’ situation, just to see his reaction. So i tell him, and eventually we’re talking about how it’s stupid that parents won’t let you go to the movies with ur bf/gf, so i say “i’m pretty sure my mom would let me go’ and he’s like ‘yeah, my dad would probably, but my mom prolly wouldn’t, bc she thinks you’re like really really really really really gothic and all ‘i want to die’” At which I smiled.
So then we get there, and we’re off the bus, and we go to do Arcade/glow in the dark Mini golf first. Which, i totally cheated at mini-golf, i beat the shit out of it at the last hole. And at the arcade I, as in ME, made us [me and smiley] loose at DDR. Then we [me,cheddar, smiley, and grant] all stole pizza, even though it wasn’t our turn to eat. And then a bunch of beginners started to bowl, even though we weren’t supposed to either, so we ended up getting to bowl twice. So after our 20 minute ‘not supposed to’ bowling, we went and uncased/tuned, and then we all sat around waiting until we were gonna warm up, where we all talked perv’d. Like Michelle taught me this little hand-joke thing, it’s all ‘Good girls sit like this’*fingers crossed*’bad girls sit like this’*fingers apart*’bad girls get this’*thumb in between fingers*’Like this’*snap*. Lol, so funny. And then, Smiley’s bow kept having sex with Hannah’s bow. lol, perverted noises included. (so yeah, i was wrong, he is perverted, but whatever) And the tongue twister ‘you know you need unique new york unique new york you need’
So we played (ARG i skipped a bowlift!adjg08), and got all 1′s. Then we went bowling again, where me and michelle attempted to dance 80′s and it was cool, all up until the end, when I thought i would sit next to smiley [he put his stuff in the seat across the isle] but last minute he went to sit in the back, so i was bored, and lonely… :[
And as an after math, Smiley got caught flipping off a car, and received 2 days ISS, so now i won’t see him until tuesday :/ except for at the concert.
So yeah, i still like him.
[Chapter Eight]
So I’m not really sure how I feel (big surprise there). I think that whole Smiley thing was just… like a fling I guess? Or, that’s the best word I can think of for it. Like, he’s cool to hang out with, but I think I’ve realized that he’s friend-material, not boyfriend-material. But, I’m still thinking about it… he still makes me smile. There’s that tingly feeling again.
Gir’s boyfriend Venom was talking to me today, saying that he could have something written better than me by next friday. I didn’t go for the contest, and after sharing a drawing, and him promising to send me one later, he says something along the lines of ‘So i remember I always used to look at you cos u were so cute’ now, i don’t want to open up the actual convo, cos I’m tired, but that’s basically what he said. So i said ‘that’s nice and all, but just don’t…’ yadda yadda yadda, all on about how he was going out with Just Jimmy, but he liked Gir, and now how he’s going out with Gir, but he’s still crushing on Kate and Kendal, and then he tells me im cute…? it’s just, i don’t want to get caught in the middle of it.
So yes, orchestra field trip tomorrow. Only 2 to a bus seat. I’m wondering who I’ll sit with…
[Chapter Seven]
Sometimes I wonder who I actually know. Not just who I think I know. Like, I know my close friends of course, but everyone else, those ‘buddies’ those people who you see daily, that you hang out with, but you don’t really talk to ALL the time. Sometimes I wonder if I actually know any of them, because I know my new problem; “creating” people.
Maybe that sounds perverted, but I could care less. What I mean is, I imagine who they are, like, I have scenarios of situations with them, thinking of what they would do, and then when i finally realize who they really are, i’m disappointed, because I’ve built them up to be perfect, and they’re not. I’m so confused right now, I just want to cry and scream at the same time. And I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s for being stupid, for letting me get too attatched. He doesn’t care, and that’s okay, because that’s just not who he is. I mean, he’s cool, yeah, but he’s just… not who I imagined him to be.
I thought he was different. But he’s probably just shy, hiding who he really is. I thought, maybe since he’s not so perverted, that maybe he is a little more mature. I guess i was wrong. He’s just young. He’s oblivious, and he can’t tell the difference between liking someone and thinking they’re hot. I hate myself. I really do.
“Now hold onto me Pretty Baby, if You wanna Fly”
He just makes me feel… happy. Like that tapping of your foot when waiting for the clock to strike twelve everyday. That anticipation you feel when you know when and where you’ll see him. That disappointment when he’s not there. That warm tingly feeling that runs through your arms and legs.
——
And he’s cute too, not just physically. Like, Naive. That little ‘Awwhh’ in your mind he tells you he doesn’t know what something is. Maybe just because he’s younger…? And the way he says ‘Hi Erin’ it’s so cute, it just makes me smile hearing it, like, i can’t even describe it.
——
He makes me smile. He’s my smiley.
——
I steal glances at him a lot, and i hope he notices, but at the same time I hope he doesn’t. It’s that one feeling that i can’t get over. Like a knot in my stomach, almost making me feel guilty. Like I did something wrong, is it my way of telling myself that I’m a bit concerned that he’s younger? But at the same time, I might confuse it with excitement, anticipation. I’m not sure. But I’m finally going to listen to that voice and stick with it, there aren’t that many possible outcomes, and i’m pretty sure i can handle the bad one. And it’s not like I’m even looking for an outcome, i just like the thought of liking him, i’m not thinking in serious terms yet.
[Chapter Six]
So I reread what i just wrote, and it’s so funny, cos i was like contradicting myself while talking to smiley. Why cant guys and girls be just friends!? lol. So i forgot to mention this other part. It’s really amusing. Okay, so you might call this flirting, but he totally wasn’t aware of it. Anyway, gosh. i’m so weird.
[smiley"i AM SO BORED"
"ur so mean! like talking to me is making you bored! how rude!"
"no i am always bored. i am not trying to be meen"
"riiight. u just hate me dont you... u only talk to me because you feel bad for me"
"no i like u. i dont hate"
"suuure.i feel so unloved"
"i am sorry.plz dont hate me"
"awwhhh ur so cute. im just kidding with you. it's funny. you're like having a meltdown"
"mk"
"im still smiling at that. you're so like, innocent when u talk"
[still me]“‘plz don’t hate me’”
ok. bye.
